Old Journal Entry

I picked up one of my old journals tonight. Whew! What a mixed bag of emotions. I actually dropped it at what point because of the emotions it brought back. I wasn't very happy with myself. : )
Anyway. I wrote in my journal a couple of years ago while I was spending time with some newlywed friends of mine.
What follows is my reflections and dialogue with my friend about marriage, relationships and life.
Hanging out with them for the weekend was my first real experience of seeing close friends in a marriage relationship.
To frame the story a little bit it might be important to tell you that when I wrote it I had just gotten out of a year and a half long relationship, so suffice it to say my spirits weren't very high.
So you might ask, why put this on my blog? It is a revealing piece of writing but the emotions I was dealing with did come to a good conclusion and I believe the message can be applied to all of life. And isn't that what this blog is all about?

A Night's Conversation with a Newlywed friend who I will call Robert and his wife Cindy.

The cars are ceaselessly passing by the duplex. The sun stained man next door is getting into his red truck and is reaching for what looks like a 12 pack of beer while he takes a drag on his cigarette. It was 88 during the afternoon and now I need to wear a jacket. The weathered man has come out again. My back is facing him but I hear his slippers scuff the sidewalk as he drags his feet. I wonder why he drags his feet. Maybe it has something to do with what he came to out to his car for. Speaking of cars, these cars in front of me ceaselessly cruise by my second story porch. I saw a car get run off into the grass today. A van came over on him. I heard the screech before I turned and saw the car swerve off the freeway onto the sloped grassy embankment. I played frogger today on Atari. I wonder if I could make it across this ten lane interstate.
Robert and Cindy are taking a walk. I've asked them a lot of questions in my two days here.
"Robert do you ever get bored? You know how it was back in college. The weekend would roll around and we'd be bored trying to figure out what to do and so we would entrust our night to a big group of people who were bored together hoping that seven or eight minds were better than one or two. Then it would come down to watching a movie. I mean isn't it the same thing in a marriage? But instead you’re just bored with your wife?"
Robert seemed to be interested in the question but his response was not what I was looking for. Robert looked up and said, "Well, we watch the Simpson’s together, ride bikes, we go see movies a lot."
I disappointedly replied, "Yeah, it seems that life is always the same. Instead of being bored in a group you’re bored with one person. Its just a new dilemma, a new situation."
"I don't get bored with Cindy", responded Robert. "You do have times when you don't have anything to say to one another, when there is just silence."
"Yeah", I replied, "I guess it’s like that with anyone. Joc and I got to the point where we had stopped saying new things but simply talked about our day."
"Cindy and I do that a lot. It's a good thing we don't see each other all day; that way we have things to talk about."
Deep inside of me I felt this yearning for something more than that. I wanted to have that adventure of discovery occur throughout the relationship, for it to be never ending. I was poking around trying to see if being married changed anything or if it really meant the spark and adventure would disappear. I had been watching them. There were moments of sparks and new dialogue here and there but they weren't deep. I often saw Cindy's listless eyes and it bothered me; but I was probably reading too much into it.
Robert interrupted my thoughts,” But we do clean up the house together."
That wouldn't take long I thought. They only have three rooms.
Then it dawned on me its not about being bored or entertained from one stage of life to the next. Its about choosing not to be bored. Its about being satisfied with where your at and enjoying who your with at the moment. It’s about enjoying what you have on this earth no matter the circumstance. If its grey and rainy, if your single and lonely, if its bright and sunny, if your with your friends or with your spouse.
And I have come to realize you can only do that with a daily renewal of your spirit and committing yourself over to the Lord's will and living within and pouring out his love each day.

And that is the end of the journal entry I wrote two years ago.
I would say I have learned a lot in two years. I feel more comfortable about life, about marriage. I think I have been able to to more frequently take to heart the conclusion I made two years ago. Some days I forget though and I think thats why I needed to post this little story.
I need to remind myself more often.